Guns and Shit III: The Final Car Chase. That's what it was. I feel better, p.s. I was a little high strung last night. I have to write a paper on A Doll House, and I have nothing to say about that play. I have nothing to say. I have to use formalism to interpret it, so I'm going to talk about character development and I guess plot. Or maybe imagery, the man always calls his wife a bird and a squirrel and all these random things, I'll talk about how that makes the reader's opinion of her sort of, condescending. Crank out some shit, that's what English majors do. I don't think we're going to get married today, just so you know. : ) I'm not freaking out anymore. I've eaten 1300 calories, and I worked off 900. I ate a spinach salad, with grated parmesean on it, and a pretend chicken patty cut up into pieces over it. It was really delicious, man it was so good. It's that morningstar chkn grillers I think they're called. I got five boxes of blueberry waffles, and some blueberry muffins, so I can't wait till it's morning. They had those blueberry waffles at Albertsons, there's a shortage of Eggo things. Eggo the company is in some financial trouble or something. Someone told me that. I can't remember who. This is all pretty boring.

I watched the rest of that Twilight thing, and there was the part where she's all pissed and yelling at her dad, and they were like "here, we'll buy a monkey.......ok two monkeys......look, how many monkeys is it going to take?" They say you inhale the smoke, and you leave it in your throat, you don't inhale into your lungs. Then you make your mouth in an ooo sound, like you're saying boot. You keep your tongue pointing down, and, something. I can't find my Jesus ashtray, so I'm using a vitamin water lid. You're not even supposed to inhale cigars, I've inhaled so many times. I might sparknotes A Doll House. No I won't. nnnnnnnn. I feel so lame! Right now. : ) You're supposed to spin the smoke, then, something.

It's almost 11, I'm going to read. I haven't even finished reading it. Sorry I got ridiculous last night, I like, cried, and then fell asleep. pffffff. I also made a box. I'm thinking for the drawer thing I got, it's blank, so maybe I'll find an album cover with a design that can be repeated, then print it out, and just cover it in that. Blow up an album cover and print it out on multiple sheets of paper, like three. Then cover it from the front to the back, top and bottom. There's this album cover, it has a picture of some indie kids. It's the M83 cover, it's just got really pretty indie kids on it, sitting in some grass, and I don't even know why I like it so much. I'm not even that into the band, they're kind of strange and instrumental. You know what my aunt did one time? She had sex with a mailman, because she wanted to know what it was like to have sex with a black guy. She's had sex with pilots, she was a flight attendant, and she never told me the mailman story, my mom did. I have to do my paper, alright I really do. I'll talk to you later, I really really have to do my paper. ttyl.

I judge my aunt. I judge myself too, but you know something? What am I going to do, beat myself up about it all day and all night, probably. I don't think I was even very good, was I? Don't answer that. : ) I've written like, ten sentences and it's 1:30am. I knew a guy who had a girl pee on him. I can't stop telling people's sex secrets, I'm sorry, but it's true. People, they call it watersports, I've seen something one time. Some girl was in a kiddie swimming pool, like a wading pool you know? And she had a bowl in her hand, and a guy was just peeing in her mouth, and she'd spit it into the bowl after it'd filled her mouth, it was so dumb. I don't think it's hot. I'm not impressed with watersports. There's some guy, Angelo Luna, and he does really good porn, I think he's a director or something. Been watching porn all night, that's why, instead of writing, judge not lest ye be judged. My aunt judges me plenty in return, I'm no fool. She thinks I need a whole hell of a lot of improvement in all aspects of my life. I should've been graduated a long time ago in her opinion, and I should have a steady boyfriend, or I should've by now. I should've had a lot of steady boyfriends, she thinks I'm going to be a spinster. Blah blah and on and on like this. Complaining. Dan gets laid a lot, I don't know who he has sex with, but one time Regine and I were at a party, and he hooked up with a girl like, pretty much right in front of us, and Regine goes, "whattt?? How did Dan get a hottie?" And she said it pretty loudly, I wouldn't be surprised if they both heard her. hahaha. I was like shhhhh! I'm going to write it in a minute, I seriously am, I'm just thinking. I'm letting my thoughts settle so I can focus better, but, also I have a problem with motivation. And if this paper is anything like the last one, I'll just slap some shit together and maybe get a bad grade. I don't know what I got on the last one, but I pretty much knew it sucked. And I was ok with it. This one shouldn't be, I mean it's just like, three pages of interpretation and quoting. I'll just quote some shit. Do you ever just, really hate your life, mine is good, don't get me wrong, I have a good good easy carefree life, but sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I'm like, stuck in my head on here, with obsessions. Would you say you're a really stressed out kind of person? You seem pretty relaxed whenever I see you, and, you just seem really nice and funny and like you can laugh at anything. You drive really well stoned, I feel safe in the car when you drive. I was pretty sick of Mexican rap though, by the end of the trip. Kind of like, how many damn Mexican rap songs can she have on her phone? hahahaha. It was ok though, other than that the music was good, she didn't play it too terribly long. And I did kind of like it. One time Dan and a bunch of people went out to smoke some cigars, and I was wanting to smoke too, but I wanted to smoke something else. So I asked Eli if he wanted to smoke with me, and then Dan came in like, "what are you guys doing?" And I said we were going to smoke and he goes, "without me?" And got really sad and I felt like shiiiit. He's a really nice guy. Eli said he used to get in a lot of fights, fist-fights. He has an anger problem, do YOU have an anger problem? I sometimes have an anger problem, I hit. I'll hit someone. i.e. my sister. I've bitten her too. I've squeezed her face real hard. I'm drinking a lot of water. I just took a showerbath. What else, what else do I talk about what else. Do you ever take baths? Guys don't do they, they should. I think you should take baths, I think that this is a really awkward conversation, and I should stick to writing Mike because this might make things awkward between you and me. Would it? If you're reading, I can't tell but, I'm like, sixty percent sure you do. Sometimes seventy, sometimes twenty, because why would you??? It's just like, bullshit. I just talk about bullshit and be obsessive and delusional. I don't know. I saw my teacher at the grocery store one day, and it was so awkward, she goes, "hi!" and I go, "hi!" and then we like, paused and looked away real fast, then walked off. hahahaha. My teacher for this class, the one I have to write the paper for. The one for which I must write a paper.

Nora’s character is the essential element that pulls the plot along. Her personality is very much like a bird: she is flighty and anxious.

Awful. It's awful isn't it. I'm not putting more of it up in case she googles that paragraph and finds this website and sees that I found our grocery store meeting awkward. Where would you most like to visit, what town city state country continent. I don't want to go to Africa. Ebola is in Africa. I read The Hot Zone, and so I hate monkeys. I'm afraid of monkeys. Plus some lady got her face eaten by a chimp, and chimps are enough like monkeys, I'm scared of all those, apes, monkeys.

Alright it's almost 2am, I have five minutes till 2. I'll just do it, I'll do it like, Just start from the beginning. Then write the middle. Then do the ending. It's a journal, this, it's a journal first, or, letters, it's something first and then second it's the other thing. And if you ARE reading, I just want you to know that I don't mind. I don't even mind, if you're making fun of me, if everyone is. I give not many shits. I give like, three shits, and then only because I say things about my friends and they might not take too kindly to that. So only because I don't like myself, that's the only reason I give those three shits. So if this, if, say you don't like me, say I piss you off, then go ahead and tell all the people you want to tell, because, uhh,,,I'd just put all that much more energy into, I'd stop, ok. Ok here's what I'd do, I'd stop writing MAYBE. I might not even stop, at this point, I'm beyond stopping. But, I'd work even harder to become a size four. For what it's worth, I don't know what I'd do. If you're reading this then you have a lot of, you've got my balls in your hand basically. Only I'm pretending you don't. I'm getting all high and mighty defensive. Were you really popular in highschool? What were you like in highschool? It's 2:06. Let's be on the same team, let's not, I mean make fun of me, but don't tell everyone about this, unless you already have, in which case, probably I'll just start writing Mike again. I guess. In highschool he was one of those guys that everyone knew as the funny guy. I think he was secretly emo though. His favorite Beatle was Ringo. He was a drummer. He's really good, I got, before I went to England I got my dad to make a copy of this dvd. hahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahhahhaha. uhhhhhhhh it has him playing, it was like a yearbook dvd. Anyway. It's just a little symptom, I'm just a fan of him. That's all, and this is fanmail. Was. It was fanmail. Now it's, defensive again. Whatever it is, I feel REAL effin defensive.

If you were a girl, what would you want your wedding dress to look like? Do you like the whole, princessy, or the chic modern thing. My cousin is getting married, and she wants a chic sleek, sort of modern one, she doesn't like the princess look. I want one of each. I want to have two wedding dresses, I want there to be a wardrobe change, and basically that's all. I'd just take some money, we'd go to a park, and I'd buy two dresses and a whole HELL of a lot of flowers. Or maybe have two weddings, one of them in a park, the princessy dress one be in a park, and then have another wedding that same day that's in a church I guess. I mean where else, I don't know, I guess not a church. A castle? Alright a castle. And in THAT one I wear a modern gown. And both of them are just flowers, nothing else. I mean I don't want an expensive wedding, just two gowns, and about, what. $5,000 worth of flowers. Wild flowers, roses, sunflowers, bluebonnets. hahahahahahaha that's illegal I think but I don't care, we put bluebonnets everywhere and in a way like, fuck yeah we're breaking the law. Maybe we burn them afterwards, after the ceremony. I've been to a lot of weddings. I'm going to be up all night and grouchy in the morning and I'm going to be fatigued for my workout and this is just going to suck so bad. Fuck me. Fuck my life. Fuck mi vida. Chingo mi vida. Or, some, I don't know how to say fuck my life in spanish, I think chingo is fuck. But it might be shit.

I just wrote that thing, only to find out it isn't due until wednesday now, she changed it. Also I really feel in love with you, but it isn't because we had sex. I just thought it was really good and really, comfy but still, just really amazing. So there's how I feel about it. And I hope I get to see you again sometime. I hope, if you're reading, I'm not freaking you out. Also I really love Michael still, and, probably I'll never get over it. No matter how many times I have sex with however many people. No matter how in love I fall with you, with anyone, with me. I'm going to go to sleep though. Going to try and sleep. At least I finished it right? And I can tweak it and make it maybe alright. Maybe I can make it better. Sweet dreams Ian. Who's your favorite Beatle? Mine's George. Do you like the Beatles? I think they might be one of those bands, you're required to like them. Because they're so diverse, there's got to be at least one song you like, and then though, it's cool if you don't, I'd actually be real impressed cause nobody I've met doesn't like the Beatles. I'd say they're too obvious, in their awesomeness, but, you know how things are just good. Like OK Computer, it's just a good album, that's why it's everyone's favorite, you can't fight the goodness that is that album, so yeah you can say other albums are your favorite, but, mainly you're just saying that because you don't want to go with the flow, because it's a FACT, it's factual evidence that Ok Computer is everyone in the world's favorite Radiohead album. Anyone saying differently is lying. They're lying to be different. hahahahahahahaha and then a huge mob of indie kids runs into my apt with pitchforks and I die, from what I just said. hahaha. Night and sweet dreams. I just, blah blah blah, I'm really dumb. Love, that one chick.

Love is like oxygen, you get too much you get too high. Not enough and you're gonna die. Love gets ya high.

[Hey, here's the thing, he came over and we talked for a long time, and we watched Half Baked, and it was really nice it's like, you know where you just enjoy yourself and you have fun and not much is even happening, it just feels nice and good, and you're laughing a lot pretend also. So then, and then we talked for a long long time, and then he went to the bathroom, and I changed into my pajamas real fast while he was in there. Then, we were baked, I mean obviously we were baked, I had weed back then. Those were the days. But he has a girlfriend, and, I know he does. Then we got in bed and I'm pretty sure I made the first move, I like, cuddled up against him and then he was rubbing my thigh. And I was just, going crazy and so I put my hand down his pants. So I technically did the first thing, and then, he put his hand down my pants and then he pulled my pajama shorts down and then I think I took off my shirt cause, and basically I made us get naked, see cause, I'm a bad person. I made us get naked and then we finally kissed and it was really good but he didn't seem to want to kiss me that much, but he was so sweet and he kissed my neck a lot which felt really good and it was just like, mmmmmm and then, , , , , I said we had to use a condom, and then I was on top, and it kind of took me a while to figure out how like, I mean it was hard to even get started, do you know what I mean? It, I had to like, I felt like I was forcing something into something not going to go in. But, I was like, is there even a place to.,,,, but I knew there WAS, I'm just, not good at sex, I said I was that time, but I'm not really. I can learn though, it's ok I can learn. And then I laid on his chest for a while afterwards but I felt like I should get off, and then it was too hot in my room and he said it was hot. And, then I couldn't sleep all night, and I felt like he was awake all night too, but we were just silent together. Then he left around 10 something, 10:30, and I was finally, I'd finally gotten to sleep by then. He asked me how I slept, I remember, I thought that was really nice. And I didn't think of you at all, not once. I mainly thought "he has a gf" the whole time. And obviously I thought of other things like, how cool it was, you know what I mean. I'm always relieved when you aren't there in my head. No offense. I've cried a lot over you. I would like to have some happy memories and happy thoughts. Thoughts of you are always a little sad for me. Just saying. And he has a girlfriend, so that makes me the other woman, and if you DO read me, YOU have a girlfriend, and that makes me the other woman. So I've decided I'm not going to be the other woman for anyone. I already went ahead and ate breakfast. I don't get to eat breakfast when I wake up now. I had a muffin and a waffle. And every night she falls and when she does she says, ohh sweet nuthin, you know she ain't got nuthin at all, whoah whoah.]